


Tabula Rasa

by Melime



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Fal-tor-pan, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, Universe Alteration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-22 22:50:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 14,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/918940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When fal-tor-pan goes wrong, Kirk is left with a Spock that appears to be a hollow shell and Bones enters a deep coma. While Sarek and Amanda believe they are the ones that must care for Spock when his new state appears to be permanent, Kirk refuses to go back to Earth or abandon hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When everything goes wrong

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Tabula Rasa](https://archiveofourown.org/works/918929) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf). 



> Written for the T'hy'la Big Bang 2013 (despite being a translation, the original in Portuguese was also posted today). This story happens a bit before the end of The Search for Spock and has an alternate ending to it, but inserts itself right before The Voyage Home. It's accompanied by the lovely art of tprillahfiction (http://tprillahfiction.livejournal.com/138360.html).
> 
> And please thank my lovely beta Sam (feygrim) for being overall such a great person and for working with me although I can't follow a deadline to save my life.
> 
> Sorry, one more thing (then I hope I'll stop editing this because over two hours passed already). It has come to my attention that Latin is not so easy to understand to English speakers as it is to Portuguese speakers. Although I'm sure some of you are familiar with the ideas of John Locke and this concept, to those that are not, tabula rasa refers to the state in which the person is a blank page, with no previous ideas or thoughts. The idea behind the title is that a Vulcan without a katra is a blank page. I know a title I have to explain is not exactly good but I couldn't think of nothing else.

Fal-tor-pan. It was his last hope. This was the point at which all this adventure converged. All sacrifices would be in vain if the ancient ritual didn’t work. He wanted to be realistic, to brace himself for the possibility that this was nothing but an ancient myth. But how could he be realistic when the lover who he saw die was there before his eyes, alive as ever, even that as an empty shell?

 

After all he witnessed in his years in Starfleet, nothing seemed impossible. Time travel technology so advanced that it looked like magic, life forms completely unlike anything that had been known until then, teenagers made of silica who wanted Spock as their mother, parallel dimensions, people whose lives moved through time in reverse, immortality... There was even a giant clone of Spock somewhere in the universe, if nothing happened to him. The word impossible doesn’t have any meaning for James T. Kirk. And now, while waiting for a miracle, the only thing that seemed impossible was that his prayers weren’t answered.

 

But one day luck must run out for everyone. That was the lesson he should have learned from his crash with Khan. No matter how close, some things were just out of his reach.

 

He began to be apprehensive for the delay of the ritual. He turned to Sarek to ask what was going on, and for a fraction of a second he didn’t witness the moment when everything went wrong. The priestess screamed, Bones began to convulse and Spock continued as empty as before. He ran toward the altar. He didn’t know to which friend he should run to, but the decision was made for him. McCoy was surrounded by healers and priests, so he turned to Spock. However, it didn’t take long for him to be pulled out of himself by Sarek, who led him out and with a gesture indicated that the rest of the Enterprise crew should follow.

 

“What is happening? Spock! Let me pass. Spock!” Kirk tried to fight Sarek, but even at that age the Vulcan had no trouble dragging him.


	2. No More Miracles

The five of them spent hours in that room before Sarek arrived. Each in its own way, they tried to comfort Kirk, but all efforts were futile. The captain was divided between concern for Bones’ life and the increasingly real possibility that Spock would spend the rest of his life without his soul, and nothing that his friends said could help. When the ambassador arrived, Kirk was the first to run towards him, torn between demanding answers and the fear he had of receiving them.

 

“If you can all sit, there is much that I need to...” Sarek began before being interrupted.

 

“How is Spock? And Bones? What happened?” Kirk asked screaming; trying to shake the ambassador's shoulders, before realizing what he was doing and stopped. “Please tell me they are okay.” He pleaded with a calmer voice.

 

“Physically, Spock’s health is above average for a Vulcan male of 55 years of age. However, his katra was not reinstated successfully. Dr. McCoy’s case has greater complications; never before fal-tor-pan was attempted with a katra carried by a human, unexpected reactions happened. Spock’s katra took control of Dr. McCoy’s body, who is now convinced that he is dead. He is currently being held in stasis, but this situation can remain indefinitely.”

 

Kirk felt his legs go weak, and was supported by Scotty, which only did more to remind him that Spock or Bones normally would be the ones to support him. He felt like he'd been punched in the stomach, he couldn’t breathe. This couldn’t be happening, it wasn’t possible. After everything that has happened... Was it all in vain? All he could hope for now was to lose his commission and being arrested along with his loyal crew, without his ship, without his son, without his best friend, without... without S-... He couldn’t even think about it. This couldn’t be happening, couldn’t. Not after everything that happened before. What kind of cruel gods would give him a greater miracle than anything he had ever dared to dream just to take it all from him again? How could he go on living when he was so close...

 

His vision began to darken, this couldn’t be happening, no... How could Spock be alive and not be Spock? And Bones... Bones was dying simply for trying to help, it wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. Everything was his fault for giving Khan a chance so many years before. It was his fault and he was punished in the worst possible way, nothing happened to him directly. He was punished by losing everything he had; he was punished by losing his soul. All because of a mistake made many years ago, all because he wanted to give a dictator without heart a second chance he didn’t deserve. Spock, David, the Enterprise and now Bones, all of these deaths were in his conscience, and it was more than he could bear.

 

With this he collapsed.


	3. It's time to face reality

When he regained conscience, he was on one of the sofas in the same room. He thought at first that he was alone, but when he lifted his head a bit he spotted the others. Uhura sat next to Scotty, her eyes red and her head resting on his shoulder, he was gently stroking her head and had a blank expression; Sulu hugged Chekov tightly against his chest and his head was resting on top of Chekov’s, hiding tearful eyes among the other’s hair; Sarek sat rigid in a chair, maintaining his Vulcan austerity, but his eyes constantly shifted to the window, where Amanda was sitting on the railing, leaning against the glass and crying silently. Kirk was embarrassed by how he reacted so uncharacteristic. He didn’t want to think about what Sarek had said, but he needed to face the facts. He was beginning to sit when the ambassador signaled for him not to rise.

 

"Admiral, I recognize that the recent news are not the expected, but it is necessary to determine what will be done now. Dr. McCoy’s body was placed in a stasis chamber and is ready to be moved back to Earth if that is your desire, all that Vulcan science could do for him was already done. And Spock’s situation, as far as we can foresee, is permanent. Without a katra his body is unable to acquire knowledge or form memories, it will remain that way until the end of his natural life. While I am willing to offer all of you my hospitality for the time you wish to remain on the planet, there is nothing you can do. The responsibility of caring for Spock falls on me and Amanda and we are perfectly able of doing it alone.

 

Kirk couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His reasoning was still stuck in the same inescapable cycle, always returning to the thought that this could not be happening. He was too used to the idea that all would end well, that every lost hope was nothing more than an indication that another solution had to be found. But not this time. There was no new miracle cure to rescue him of the terror of reality. He would have to live with what little was left.

 

"Ambassador, if you don’t object, I would like to stay here with Spock." the weakness of his own voice startled him, the request was timid, devoid of the natural audacity that was so characteristic of him.

 

Sarek's face softened almost imperceptibly, as he reflected for long moments before responding. A few days have passed since he had last been in the Admiral’s mind, and even though that mind meld was nothing more than a brief and superficial search, it was enough for him to realize the truth of these words. This statement wasn’t driven by some form of misguided sense of duty, but by a strong loyalty arising from a deep love. In some ways, he envied humanity, which was free to love and act in this love. He could never reveal the affection he had for his wife and son and regretted having limited Spock to Vulcan philosophy, drowning out all traces of humanity in him. For years he hoped that Kirk’s involvement could repair this damage, but it was now too late.

 

"Admiral, I believe I may not have been clear enough. There is nothing that can be done for Spock, for all purposes he perished in the Enterprise. The individual who returned from the Genesis planet is nothing like the Spock you knew, and nothing will recover his original identity. He will always be dependent of care for the most basic tasks and will not even come to recognize who dispense him with such care. Your loyalty to my son is admirable but unnecessary."

 

Kirk didn’t know how to express how important it was for him to stay with Spock, how much he needed it. How to make a Vulcan understand an emotional and irrational need such as this?

 

"You were in my mind, ambassador. You know what Spock means to me. I would have so easily sacrificed myself for him and he did for me. But for someone to die for another is nothing compared to live for that person. I am willing to give every day that is left of my life to Spock, as I know that he would be willing to give every day of his life for me. Please let me help. If not for your child, at least as a favor to me."

 

Sarek quickly dismissed all the arguments that came to mind, anticipating the Admiral’s responses. Kirk was an extraordinary human being, a unique individual. Of all the people who his son chose to associate himself, he was the one who Sarek most admired. He knew that their relationship went beyond a deep friendship, despite not having probed the Admiral’s memories in search of the details he sought unconsciously hide. A merging of minds should never be taken lightly and seek to take more than the person intended to provide was one of the worst violations in Vulcan society. Still, every mention of Spock in Kirk’s mind involved looks, caresses and touches that would be considered inappropriate even between spouses in Vulcan. For every moment of greatest intimacy that was concealed, there was a corresponding open display of affection.

 

"If your desire is sincere, as I have ample reason to believe it is, you will be welcome in my home for as long as you desire. However, always keep in your mind that you will be free to leave at any time. Spock would not blame you for wanting to return to your life."

 

"With all due respect, Ambassador, I have no life to return to. There is nothing for me on Earth, or even in Starfleet. After all that I did I could only return to Earth as a criminal. And although I don’t regret anything I've done, and am sure that given the opportunity I would act the same way, the prospect of spending the rest of my days caring for Spock is much more tempting than the idea of rotting in a penal colony."

 

"But perhaps the same can not be said of your team. All of you are free to leave whenever you want and stay for as long as you deem appropriate. We will now leave you alone to discuss what do you want to do." With these words he stood up to leave, passing before by the window and whispering a barely audible "beloved" to his wife as an indication that she should follow.


	4. No home to return to

Kirk then turned to his friends. What Sarek had suggested was true, they weren’t all in the same situation. He had no reason to leave Vulcan, but the same could not be said about the others. Uhura would hate the idea of a quiet life on the planet; Scotty could not stand long without a ship to care for; Sulu wouldn’t accept the idea of never seeing his daughter, and even Chekov would be oppose to the idea of missing the development of Demora. He couldn’t impose his choice to his team, to his friends. Everyone was more than willing to sacrifice everything for each other, and even knowing for sure they didn’t repented of what they did to save Spock, they had their own lives. They haven’t lost everything as he had, to them there was still something to come back to.

 

But he couldn’t forget that all of them were now wanted criminals by the Federation and the Klingon Empire. They couldn’t simply pick up the stolen ship and return to Earth, not without facing the consequences of all their actions. He couldn’t allow that to happen, it wasn’t fair with his loyal companions of so many adventures, the choice was his, the responsibility was his.

 

“If you want to return to Earth, I am willing to assume all responsibility. I intend to spend the rest of my days here, and I'm sure that Ambassador Sarek can ensure that I won’t be deported. So you can all go back to your commissions and perhaps even deliver Bones for his daughter. There is no reason for us to give up our lives because of this, Spock would say...” he felt his throat tighten at the mention of the name, and gave a dry laugh to hide the pain. “Spock would say it’s illogical.”

 

The others waited for him to finish speaking as a matter of respect, but once he was finished, they began with the objections trampling one another. Seeing that he couldn’t understand all four at once, Kirk motioned for silence.

 

“One at a time, please.” he asked, unable to prevent a small smile, he should have known that they wouldn’t accept his solution so easily.

 

They looked up for a moment, trying to decide who would start. Finally, Uhura decided to speak.

 

“We're in this together. We knew what we were doing, and we have always been willing to accept the consequences. I couldn’t accept that the fault was removed from my actions as if I was just following orders. You gave us all the alternative to leave when we wanted, pretending that wasn’t what happened is disrespectful to our loyalty. All we ventured for Spock and we won’t say that this wasn’t what happened.”

 

As she spoke, the others indicated agreement. Everyone wanted to answer for their actions and wouldn’t lie, wouldn’t dump all the blame on their former captain. Discreetly, Scotty pressed Uhura’s arm, pulling her close to him and offering support.

 

“The Enterprise sacrificed herself for the last time for her old team. She has paid the price for our choices, and in her name we should do the same. Spock’s worth that, let's not pretend he isn’t.” Scotty said.

 

“When I was under Khan’s control, you didn’t give up on me. Spock saved all our lives without hesitation, and we all would do the same. We can’t pretend that this is not true to save our careers, Spock deserves more than that.” Chekov said with his characteristic accent.

 

“I can’t say I'll be here forever, but if I ever get back to Earth, I won’t lie about what happened. We are all here because we wanted to take that risk for Spock. And I wouldn’t be able to look at my daughter’s nor my team’s eyes if I returned to my life as if nothing had happened.”

 

Kirk felt a renewed pride for his friends. They were above all a family, and would remain loyal to the end. Yet he hadn’t his answer, and he wasn’t so naive as to think that they would remain on the planet for the rest of their lives, nor he dared ask them this sacrifice, but he felt better knowing they were still together on this adventure.

 

“So what do we do now?”

 

“We don’t have much choice. That old Klingon tub won’t budge.” Scotty began. “It would take a year to fix it, but I can do it in three months. At least until then, we need to stay here.”

 

Everyone allowed a small laugh to see that, again, Scotty had multiplied the time required for repairs by four, as he always did. After all, he needed to maintain his reputation as a miracle worker. And with them his reputation was secure because together they had seen the impossible become real, with no inconsiderable help of the engineer’s skills. But Kirk suspected that the period of three months was longer than the necessary, and that he wanted to buy time before a final decision had to be made.

 

“And after that?” Kirk insisted.

 

“We have plenty of time to think about it.” Uhura replied.

 

It was determined. They were a family and they were all that was left to Kirk. Everything else was lost and he didn’t have a home to return to. His only home exploded in orbit of a planet that no longer existed. Knowing that the Enterprise was gone was worse than losing her command, and he was a traitor for abandoning a ship as loyal to them as she was. But he had no choice. Don’t get this chance wouldn’t be a possible choice. Abandoning Spock wouldn’t be a choice. Allowing him die a second time wasn’t a choice. In a way, it was something cruel. If they had managed to rejoin Spock and his katra, he would have to survive all his friends, and not just by a few years, but by many decades and perhaps even a century. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe this was more merciful. He had to lose Spock, he had to feel what it was like to lose his better half. But at least Spock wouldn’t have to go through it. How long would the Vulcan body survive? How long Spock would have to live without them if they had succeeded? Who would Spock have chosen as a partner after he lost his to the weakness of human health? Perhaps it was better that the pain was his to support, not Spock’s.

 

And yet... More than anything, he wanted Spock back.


	5. Everything is lost

Two weeks had passed since they arrived at Vulcan, and a routine had been established. Scotty refused any help in repair the ship, claiming that he would make a better job alone; Uhura had decided to help with the translation of historical documents Modern Golic Vulcan and standard, impressing the team responsible by the project with her efficiency and her vast knowledge; Sulu and Chekov decided to do an expedition to The Forge, ignoring their friends’ jokes that hinted that the two would end up lost and would die in the desert before admitting it and calling for help; Sarek returned to his diplomatic functions, although he still avoided commitments that would take him off the planet for more than a few days, and Amanda showed herself as an attentive mother who dedicated every minute of her day to her son, without seeming affected by the lack of response from him.

 

And Kirk... Kirk lived in function for Spock like Amanda, but in a different way. Maybe because she had accepted that he would never again be what he was, while Kirk couldn’t avoid searching for any sign that there was still something of Spock in that body. At every moment he probed the empty expression in search of any indication of recognition, and always made sure of informing Spock what they would do. His rationalization was simple: even if Spock wouldn’t cooperate, not even to tasks like eating, he wouldn’t like to be dragged from one side to another as if he were an object, and perhaps to know what would happen would reassure him. After a few times, the others stopped pointing out that that made no difference, since Spock wasn’t able to understand what was said. It was difficult to know what was more charitable, to destroy his false hopes or to allow him the comfort of this perhaps innocuous illusion.

 

Perhaps the hardest part of the routine was the morning rituals. By tacit agreement, Kirk assumed completely this task, knowing it was too much painful for the already elderly Amanda. The first difficulty was wake the Vulcan, who didn’t answer when called and that none of humans had enough strength to shake in a significant way. Rising him too was not easy, but Kirk liked to think that something of Vulcan force started to work in his favor since he began to say "Now, let’s get up and go to the bathroom. We need to take off this clothes and take a sonic shower. ", before attempting to force him out of bed. The second difficulty was excretion. It was necessary almost a week of schedules of fluid intake and feeding so that they could regulate his organism so as to predict his needs with an accuracy of minutes. Yet twice in the last week Kirk had found Spock soaked in own urine minutes before the time at which he should take him to the bathroom, and more than once he had to accompany him for more than twenty minutes and even massage his belly when his body refused to collaborate. Removing his clothes was simple, after they passed to dress him only with robes that required no working or collaboration to dressing or removal, and the hardest part of giving him a sonic shower was to make him enter the cubicle. Dressing him was a little more complicated, because he needed select clothes perfectly suitable for the climate and accommodate them so that they were comfortable. The first meal of the day always was the more difficult, although nobody had any idea of way this happened. Kirk had dominated the technique of kindly forcing his lips with a glass so that he would begin drinking, and Amanda concentrated on balancing his diet so that they could keep feeding him healthily.

 

Caring for Spock was a hard work and without no significant reward. Sarek was right to say that he wouldn’t acknowledge presence of other people around him, much less recognize the work they had in caring for him. Still, Amanda acted with the unconditional love of a mother, and Kirk was moved by a love so strong that seemed taken out of legends. Nothing seemed able to shake his will in caring for Spock, not even the catatonic state in which he stood. However, even against everyone's advice, he kept feeding his hopes.

 

"Spock was following a ch'kariya with his eyes today. We were on the porch and he followed the pet all the time, until it run out of the garden." Kirk told Amanda excited in one afternoon, as he helped with the dishes.

 

She gave him a weak smile and simply commented: "I thought I had gotten rid of them all, these little critters adore ruining my garden, and they eat enough to destroy the work of months in just few days." She didn’t tell him what she really thought: that it was just an involuntary eye movement, that it meant nothing, that he was reading too much on something without importance and allowing illusions. No, she didn’t find in her heart the ability to destroy the little that he found to be able handle the situation.

 

For how long he could remain this way? For how long he would still maintain hopes and would still see each small sign as an indicative that maybe a recovery was possible? Months? Years? Would he be able to drag the illusion until the end of his life? And if that didn’t happen? Would he be able to continue when his false hopes were completely razed and he had to face the cold reality?

 

Maybe this was his biggest problem. James Tiberius Kirk never had faced the reality. Or at least he never had to do it the same way as other people have to. Even if he tried to convince himself that this time there would be no new miracle, it was for him impossible to think that way. After all, had he not managed to bring Spock back even when he had his brains stolen? Or when his mind was emptied by Stavos Keniclius? The idea departing on an expedition to seek the help of Spock 2 began to form itself in the Admiral’s mind, but he didn’t know how he could do this. Even if he could use the Klingon ship, outside Vulcan Sarek’s influence couldn’t help them, and to return to Phylos wouldn’t be a simple task. Still, the idea implanted itself in depths of his mind, as one more source of power to his hopes. After all, he didn’t believe in no win scenarios. Spock would be displeased in seeing his mind taken by irrational and contradictory thoughts, but either way, Spock wasn’t in condition to be judging at the moment so he suppressed all the guilt he felt for being divided between one rational acceptance that this was his future and the absolute faith that he had that some miraculous possibility would appear to save Spock of this terrible destiny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch'kariya is a small Vulcan mammal, similar to a weasel, but with pale skin and short hair. 15 years before this story, Amanda suspected that her garden was being destroyed by them and set traps to capture them.


	6. What can we do?

Uhura should already be asleep. She had booked for the next day the translation of some pages of what seemed to be fragments of a journal preceding the first explorations of T'Khut, and even with her language skills that wouldn’t be a simple task. Still, she couldn’t sleep that night. That was why she was passing by Scotty’s bedroom door for the fifth time, unable to decide if she should knock or not. Finally she decided it was too late to bother the engineer. She was already halfway down the hallway when the door was opened.

 

"I was wondering how long you'd be there before you decided to knock. Heeled boots on a wooden floor are not exactly discreet."

 

Uhura turned to him with a half-smile. "I didn’t want to wake you. Can we talk?"

 

He made room for her to enter. She knew what she had to say, everyone was thinking the same thing, but they all lacked the courage to verbalize it.

 

She sat on the bed. "How are the repairs on the ship doing?" she asked to gain time. It was unusual for her to do so, but she was afraid for her former captain and for the first time in a long time stood lost.

 

"Honestly?" he replied sitting next to her. "I could have finished it all in a week, but I promised three months to the Admiral and I’ll give it to him. He deserves at least that."

 

"Spock is not improving. I know that's what Sarek told us from the beginning, but somehow I hoped that something would happen. I can’t stand to see the admiral suffer every time Spock doesn’t answer."

 

"I know what you mean. Nothing of this seems true. After all that has happened, I think we started to believe that everything would always end well. But not this time. I don’t think I can keep this up for long. The four of us need to talk about it, but perhaps we should leave when the three months are over."

 

Both were silent for long moments. There was some shame in that decision, as if they were abandoning their friends. But what could they do for them in Vulcan? Nothing could help Spock and Kirk now, and being there just made everyone unhappy. They were no less loyal because of it, but as Kirk declared to Sarek, it takes more to devote a lifetime to someone than to risk or even sacrifice that same life. The sacrifice is only a moment, but the routine is what crushes the determination and brings up an unknown selfishness. They would have died for Spock, but wouldn’t be able to stay in Vulcan until the end of their days taking care of him. Maybe that was the difference between a friendship so strong that rivaled family ties and the love between soulmates. The difference between "I would give my life for you" and "I don’t have a life without you".

 

 

A few meters away, two other people also faced a similar situation. Chekov had just found Sulu crying with a PADD in hand. The elder tried to disguise, but he didn’t even need to ask to know the reason of the tears: Demora.

 

"This isn’t the most dignifying situation that you've found me, right?" he said joking to lighten the mood, and was surprised when Chekov ignored his words and hugged him tightly.

 

"You will see her again."

 

He shouldn’t even be surprised at how Chekov knew. Not after all this time. How many times he had tried to hide something from him only to find out that he knew his true intentions from the beginning? He couldn’t help but think of the dates to drink legitimate not replicated tea that hid much more and were the beginning of everything all those years ago.

 

"I've lost six years of her life. She already hates me, and she’ll never forgive me if I miss her adolescence too. I wanted to send her a message, but how can I do that when I'm a wanted criminal?" he finally confessed, knowing that there was no reason to hide what he was thinking.

 

"Of course she doesn’t hate you, but she's a teenager. All teenagers fight with their parents, a thousand years in the future perhaps the Federation wouldn’t exist anymore, but if humanity still exists, teens will still rebel. Did you know that teenage rebellion was invented in Russia?"

 

Sulu couldn’t keep a laugh when hearing the classic joke. At this point Chekov had claimed that everything was created in Russia, even absurd things like the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, Romulan ale and Klingon blood wine. Just a few weeks ago he was saying to a group of exasperated Vulcans that the Surak’s philosophy was written by an old lady who lived in a village near Moscow. Of course it was just a joke, but it was part of his charm.

 

"When the ship is ready, I’ll return to Earth. What is the worst that can happen? I can lose my commission and spend a couple of years in a penal colony? I could still return before Demora is old enough to enter Starfleet Academy." he said at once, before stopping for a moment and declaring looking into his eyes "And you, what are you going to do?" he knew the answer he wanted, but didn’t dare to ask for it.

 

Chekov sighed, buying time despite knowing the answer very well. He hid all the pain that lay behind his answer and said jokingly "What would Demora do without having someone to run to complaining and asking for help when you're being a tyrant?".

 

Sleeping in his room, Kirk had no idea that while he kept his hopes as strong as they were in the first day, his friends had given up. The moment of confrontation had not yet come, but when it came, all the decisions would have already been made. And he was the only one who was still willing to wait for a miracle that would most likely never come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T'khut is a planet near Vulcan which began to be explored in search of minerals in the pre-Surak era.


	7. Clinging to empty hopes

The second month of Scotty’s deadline had already begun, and nothing significant seemed to have changed. Kirk couldn’t help but notice that the others were avoiding Spock, and couldn’t hide the pain every time they looked at him. Even Sarek seemed to be avoiding his son, although he used his work as an excuse. That left only Amanda and Kirk to care for Spock. Two humans who were no longer at the apex of their own strengths and had to drag the half-Vulcan from one side to another.

 

At that moment, Kirk was combing Spock’s hair. He had to stay on his toes to reach the top of the head, which made him feel too short. He didn’t have to stretch so much just to run his hands through his hair, but he had greater difficulty using a comb. In fact, keeping his hair tidy wasn’t really necessary, but it gave Kirk a sense of normalcy. And he desperately needed every ounce of normalcy he could get.

 

When he finished packing Spock, they went to sit on the balcony and look at the garden. He had given up saying that Spock liked to spend the afternoons watching the plants because it only made him receive looks of pity. Does no one else could see the contemplative air the Vulcan assumed when they were there? It wasn’t just an empty expression. However, he was used to it. No one was able to read Spock’s expressions as he was.

 

Amanda’s garden was beyond beautiful. Few plants were native from Earth, for transplanting flora between planets was a very delicate procedure and limited by various Federation regulations. But the Vulcan plants she had went from the g’teth berry bushes to the delicate and potentially dangerous white stars of night. After several minutes sitting on the porch with Spock, he decided to get up and, looking around to see if Amanda wasn’t anywhere near, he decided to gather some favinit. She didn’t like having her garden vandalized, but over the years Kirk had acquired a taste for Vulcan cooking and a replicated orchid never have the same taste of a natural cultivated one. Feeling particularly daring, he reaped also a kal'ta. Those who didn’t know him well would never imagine he was a person who appreciated beautiful flowers, but this was always one of his not so secret passions. During his childhood, more than once Sam mocked him for it, calling him flower boy. He appreciated the unusual tones of the kal'ta, that had leaves of a deep shade of violet circumvented by an incandescent blue, but they were also Amanda’s favorite plants and he wouldn’t want her to find out what he was destroying the garden she took care of so well.

 

He returned to sit by Spock’s side. "Do you want it?" he asked while touching the Vulcan’s lips with one of the flowers, knowing that opening his lips was as much collaboration as he could expect. He gave him one before taking one for himself, chewing the petals slowly and enjoying the strong and peculiar taste. "We can’t let Amanda know that we are eating her flowers. What do you think? 55 years old and keeping secrets from mom!" he added the last part with a lighter tone.

 

After long moments in silence, eating together the favinit that he had gathered, Kirk found himself playing with the kal'ta between his fingers. "You know, you never told me how they can have those colors.” Absent mindedly, Kirk took the plant and placed it around Spock’s wrist. Strangely, he felt a soft and difficult to recognize sensation, as a mild itch in the center of the brain, but he dismissed the feeling as unimportant. It was then that he noticed that Spock was looking at his wrist and at Kirk’s hands that were still reclining to his skin, he wasn’t only looking towards the wrist, he really seemed to be watching it closely. "What, you are going to say that flower bracelets still make you uncomfortable?" he asked with a smile.

 

A sudden wave of guilt hit him. He was acting as if Spock could understand him, when he should know very well that this wasn’t true. "You would say that it is illogical to talk to someone who can’t answer, wouldn’t you?" he said bitterly. "Dammit Jim, you foul. That's why even Vulcans who never even saw you before look to you with pity." he reprimanded himself for it, he should have stopped this already. Spock couldn’t answer, Spock would never respond to him. Why he was still pretending that everything would be fine when he only had evidence that this wasn’t true? He couldn’t keep this going, he couldn’t keep talking with Spock in that way.

 

"Let’s go Spock, it’s already getting cold." again, he felt a strange itching, this time it was more like small needles piercing throw his brain, but he discarded it again. It was probably just the beginning of a migraine or something like that. He decided to focus on raising Spock, who was only a few pounds heavier than him, but he had in his favor the stiffness of Vulcan muscles, that at the time refused to move. "Come on, Spock. You aren’t dressed well enough to stay here in this wind, next time we will choose warmer clothes if you want to see the sunset. Now we have to go. You will end up catching the Vulcan flu and passing it to me, and you know that humans don’t react well at all to it." again he berated himself for talking as if Spock could understand it, but was surprised when he allowed his body to be raised. The strange feeling has intensified, but he continued to ignore it. If there was something that James Tiberius Kirk knew how to do was to ignore problems until they either disappeared or became too big to ignore. And at the time he had more important things to do than to care for his own health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> White Star of Night is a Vulcan flower also found in Romulus. It has special pollination feature, and when pollinated with other species can become deadly. For this reason it’s also known as Death Star.  
> G'teth is a type of Vulcan bush that produces berries.  
> Favinit is a type of edible Vulcan orchid used to make butter favinit, it has a spicy odor.  
> Kal'ta is a Vulcan plant with violet colored leaves edged with incandescent blue.  
> Vulcan flu is a variant of the influenza virus that affects Vulcans and rarely humans. However, the reaction of human to the disease is a severe one.


	8. Until it's all too much

As he entered the room, Kirk was taken by the feeling that something was very wrong. The air of his friends would be more consistent with an intervention than with anything else.

 

"Amanda said you wanted to talk to me."

 

He knew what they wanted, knew from the moment he entered the room. Actually, he was surprised that this hadn’t happened before, he knew that none of them could bear to be in Vulcan. The most impressive perhaps was that Scotty was still repairing the ship, with excruciating slowness. No one could say that the engineer wasn’t loyal. He sat in a chair farthest from then, from where he could look at all four.

 

"I don’t know how to say this, so I'll just say it." Scotty said "We want to return to Earth when the ship is ready.".

 

Kirk shook his head in agreement. He always knew it would happen. All they did was postpone the inevitable.

 

"If you want, my offer still stands. I can take all the blame before Starfleet."

 

Before he even finished the sentence, everyone started talking at once, with an indignant speech. Kirk raised his hands in surrender. "All right, all right. I get it. If all of you want to go to a penal colony, who am I to stop you? "

 

The air got even heavier. Nobody knew what to say or do. Nothing could change the fact that they were abandoning their former captain and giving up on Spock.

 

"Jim... Uhura began, trying to find a way to comfort the admiral.

 

"Just do me a favor." he said interrupting Uhura. "Take Bones back with you. He wouldn’t forgive us if we left him here, and if he is staying in stasis forever, his daughter deserves to see him again."

 

There was nothing more to be said, the decision had already been made. They would leave, and he would remain there.


	9. I can’t let go

Having foreseen what his friends would say, he should have been better prepared. But even if that wasn’t a shock, it was somewhat of a disappointment. That forced him to face the fact that everyone would move on, something he would never do. He couldn’t move on. It was so strange, he was willing to continue with his life after Spock died, but now that he was alive, he wasn’t able to just leave him there.

 

They were in a small study room. It was the first time that Kirk saw that room, which seemed to have been the place where young Spock received his training. Strangely, in the walls, beyond the traditional weapons Vulcans used to exhibit, there was a painting of the family. It wasn’t as big as the rich Terran families exhibited in the past, but it was something he didn’t expect of the Vulcans. Perhaps it had been suggested by Amanda. In the painting, Spock was just a baby, Sarek looked not much younger than when the first time they met Kirk and Amanda smiled as if at the time living in Vulcan had not yet eradicated many human behaviors from her.

 

He couldn’t help imagining Spock when he was just a child, studying for most of the day in that room without any ornaments beyond that image and the weapons. Vulcan education was absolutely insane. He was just taking his first steps while Spock was here, starting his studies in quantum physics. From what moment he began to be pressured to abandon his human side? He knew that young children showed emotions before being instructed in the ways of logic. Since when Spock had to endure offenses due to the fact that he was a child of two worlds? In all the years they knew each other, he didn’t know much about his childhood. The only time he remembered hearing Spock speak openly about it was when he finally decided to tell him everything that had happened in Tarsus IV. He always felt as if the information was provided as some kind of prize, or perhaps an attempt to reciprocate. Neither commented again about the horrors both experienced in youth, but this wasn’t necessary, the past had already been left behind.

 

It was Spock who guided him to that room. He was taking him to the garden as he did every day when he suddenly turned and came in this direction. When an adult Vulcan decides to go in one direction, there is nothing that a human can do to stop him involving less than a phaser, so he simply followed. That was why they were sitting on the floor of that room with Spock staring at the painting for what should have been at least two hours. Kirk felt as if he was internally screaming. Spock wasn’t just accepting to be dragged from one side to another, he was choosing how he wanted to occupy his time. For all that Sarek spoke about the situation, he imagined that someone without a katra wouldn’t be able to make choices, so what does that mean? He would like to consult Sarek on this, but he feared he already knew the answer he would give. He would hear the tone as condescending even if it were actually something closer to pity, while Sarek repeated yet again that without his katra, Spock wasn’t able to think.

 

Kirk leaned his head on Spock’s shoulder, knowing that his weight would be nothing to the Vulcan. "Spock..." he began hesitantly, "our friends are leaving in a few weeks, do you understand that? Uhura, Scotty, Chekov and Sulu will return to Earth, and they’ll take Bones with them. They probably won’t come back, but I wanted you to know that I'm staying with you. The biggest mistake of my life was to have accepted this damn promotion that took me away from you and the Enterprise. But nothing will get away from you now. I've told everyone I'll stay here with you for the rest of my life. Can you understand me?"

 

He waited for an answer or any kind of reaction for long moments, but his hopes were in vain. Spock was still staring at the painting, looking as if he didn’t realize that Kirk was leaning on his shoulder. He fought back the tears he felt coming, and tried to comfort himself with the idea that Spock would say that it is illogical to cry for having received the result that was expected. "You're not even listening to me..." he said more to himself "Not really, you can’t hear me... because... you can’t hear me because you are dead, aren’t you? I saw you die before my eyes, and even if you're here now, you're not really here." And then, as if realizing what he just said, he composed himself and completed "Sorry, Spock. I shouldn’t have said that. It's just that... Why do I still keep doing this? It’s not as if that made any difference. Just... I'm sorry. Let's just stay here and look at this painting if that's what you want, we'll just stay here.".

 

He decided to shut up. Nothing he was saying made any sense. There was no reason to fight with Spock because he wasn’t able to answer, and there was no need for apologies because he wasn’t able to understand. Because he couldn’t talk to him. He had been told this over and over again. He was digging his own grave and didn’t know how to stop. He just knew he wasn’t able to act as if Spock wasn’t there somewhere. How could he look into the eyes of someone he knew so well, and accept that person wasn’t really there? Again, he returned to the idea of seeking the help of Spock 2, but he knew his plan was just an attempt to maintain hope. Even if he were still alive, which he didn’t know if was true and wasn’t probable, that wasn’t the Spock he knew, or at least that wasn’t the Spock he desperately wanted back. That was the Spock of the end of the first five-year mission, the Spock who didn’t accept his humanity. He was closer to the Spock that said that he was ashamed of feeling love and that he would go through the ritual of kolinar than to the Spock that returned to him after having understood that there was more in the world than logic. But if even that hope was lost, what would be left?


	10. This isn’t for nothing

Kirk had just returned from an appointment with a Vulcan doctor, and decided to look for Amanda. He had managed to break his back while trying to lift Spock that morning. He was too old to lift a Vulcan of more than one hundred eighty pounds that wanted to stay in bed. He imagined that things would only get worse as time passed, but he didn’t want to think about it at the time.

 

To his surprise, he found Amanda crying, resting her back on the kitchen counter. It wasn’t the first time he saw her crying, but it was the first time he saw her do it so openly.

 

"Amanda, what happened? Is everything okay with Spock?" as soon as the words left his lips, he chided himself for thinking only of Spock when she was suffering. Over the past two months, they approached themselves of one another considerably, and Kirk cared about her too. But nothing could occupy the same amount of place in his mind as Spock.

 

She took a moment to compose herself, trying to find her composure befitting the wife of an important Vulcan ambassador. "Spock refused to eat. I can’t even make my child eat lunch."

 

Kirk approached her and offered a reassuring hug. "I know this isn’t easy, Amanda. But we need to do it for him. Now, why don’t I do some of my famous plomeek soup? Spock always said that he liked it when I cooked."

 

He began to gather the necessary ingredients. It had been a while since the last time he had cooked, but it was one of his many unexpected pleasures. There were many things he liked to do that contradicted what was expected of a captain or an admiral of Starfleet, but had long since not worried about that. He had earned his place and could ill afford to ignore the opinions of others. Of course he was now a wanted criminal and would probably lose his commission as soon as the Admiralty could pull his hands on him, so it didn’t matter much.

 

"Spock never told me that you cooked for him..." Amanda began. "Actually, he never gave me many details about you. I always thought there was much he wouldn’t like his father to know about you, and he has always been a discreet person, but I would like to know more about what life was like for you."

 

Kirk stopped, uncomfortable, with the pan in his hands. He and Spock didn’t usually announce the exact nature of their relationship. Of course anyone who spent any amount of time with them was able to see that it wasn’t just friendship, but he was never the type to kiss and tell and Spock was even more discreet. He still remember when Spock complained about the unwanted questions he had heard about him and his captain at the time, and how his greatest source of outrage (even though he had replicated that Vulcans don’t feel outrage when Kirk suggested it) was that strangers were speculating about his personal life, not that half the quadrant felt that their relationship was more than it was at the time.

 

He finally decided that Amanda deserved to know more about her child, and that there would be no harm in sharing just a bit of information. So, while cooking, he started talking about small details of their lives. Innocuous things that wouldn’t offend Spock if he knew that his mother had heard of them. Things like a small Trill restaurant on Earth that Spock just loved and that he had a holo picture of Amanda in his office at the Academy. And before he knew it, he found himself talking about the most absurd details about Spock, and couldn’t help but being embarrassed because now she would realize that he knew such things about him. Details like how he changed the dominant hand to play chess when he was nervous, the delicate way that until today he caressed his ka'athyra before playing and the fact that despite years of living in environments with temperature acclimatized to humans, he still slept with the temperature of his room slightly lower that that what would cause heat stroke in humans and using various covers. He didn’t really think about how Amanda would imagine that he knew it, because nothing she imagined could be more embarrassing than the truth. But he just couldn’t stop talking about all those little details that he found out about in the two decades of coexistence. Luckily, he managed to bite his tongue before saying that Spock almost always used his left hand to stroke his hair, or that he was very needy when accidentally ate chocolate. Spock would never forgive him if he had revealed such things to his mother. With a certain dread, he realized that Sarek was in his mind and feared what he could have seen there. Even if they weren’t so discreet, there were certain things that a parent shouldn’t see, and many of them were in his mind. He dismissed these thoughts, convincing himself that as a good Vulcan, Sarek would erase any unwanted memory. Or at least he expected him to act like that.

 

In what seemed like a matter of minutes, the soup was ready. He needed to give it to Spock before it got cold, although this wasn’t a major concern on a planet so hot. Anyway, he would have more time to talk with Amanda later, now needed to ensure that Spock was well fed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ka'athyra is the name of the Vulcan lyre.


	11. All I need is a sign

He took to the balcony a bowl of soup and a blanket. He was always worried that it would be too cold for Spock, despite rationally knowing that they were in his planet, in the climate that his body was created to support. It was strange how he could always think it was too cold when he spent most of the time with light clothes and sweating, but either way he felt cold when the day was ending and the wind blew the sweat-drenched clothes, so maybe it was just natural to worry about Spock. Or rather, to worry about Spock was his natural state.

 

He straightened the blanket on Spock’s shoulders before preparing to give him the soup. Having talked so much about Spock renewed every desire he had to take care for him. It had reminded him of all the things he loved about him, that were never really forgotten, but that were difficult to think about when he had to take care of him like a baby.

 

"Spock, I said I'll stay here for the rest of my life, and nothing will make me change it. But I need you to do something for me. I need to know that you are still here with me, I need to know what you really came to life. Anything, just do anything to show me that you are really you. That's all I'm asking." He hadn’t realized how true those words were until he said them. He needed a sign, something to prove that their efforts weren’t in vain, anything to prove that this was the same Spock with whom he shared a few years of his life and wanted so much more. All this effort was for him, but he need to know what he was really there.

 

But no answer came, as was to be expected. He sighed and tried to hide his disappointment. He felt again that strange pain that didn’t exactly hurt, and that in the last couple of weeks he started to treat it as if it were a principle of migraine, despite knowing that it wasn’t just that. Spock needed food, that was more important than a little headache that probably would soon pass.

 

He slowly approached the spoon of his lips, taking care to gently force them open without spilling the liquid. He noted that this time Spock parted his teeth and closed his lips around the spoon, when he usually had to gently drop the liquid inside his mouth and hope that the swallowing reflex would work. He still remembered with awe that one time, in one of the first days, in which Spock gasped violently with Bertakk soup. He always had to keep in mind that his body could decide not to work as it should.

 

Once removed he the spoon, Spock turned to him, which was odd. Spock rarely moved when they were in the garden, spending most of the time staring at one point on the horizon. Blaming himself for feeding his foolish hopes, Kirk couldn’t help but thinking that it should mean something.

 

"Jim" Spock said hoarsely.

 

Nothing could have prepared him to hear that voice for the first time in months. Kirk left the bowl fall and remained immobilized by shock for a moment. His ears must be tricking him somehow, he was just listening to what he wanted. But the realization did nothing to help, all his hopes returned with a force that suddenly found itself free of its barriers. It was only then that he realized that he had actually lost hope that what he felt now was nothing compared to what he felt before that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bertakk soup is a kind of Vulcan soup, and one of the Vulcan dishes programmed in the replicators in the Enterprise.
> 
> I know Kirk was supposed to be cooking his famous Plomeek soup, but Spock can't eat Plomeek soup all the time, and let's say Kirk got distracted because he was talking about the love of his life and made the wrong soup. Kirk got distracted, you hear me? Not the author, Kirk.


	12. I need to know you are there

"Sarek! Amanda!" Kirk yelled, grabbing Spock by his shoulders; he felt as if his chest was about to explode from excitement, he needed witnesses; he needed to know he hadn't lost his sanity.

 

Amanda arrived first, with the worry of a human mother, but soon Sarek arrived with long steps, his Vulcan dignity preventing him from running.

 

“He said my name, he called me by my name,” Kirk said, with tears in his eyes and his voice weak and floating with happiness.

 

Sarek looked at Spock with suspicion, then to Kirk with pity in his eyes. Seeing that Sarek didn’t believe him, he started to gently shake Spock. “Spock, tell them, tell them who I am, say my name…” His voice was weakening, and soon he was crying in despair. Amanda knelt next to him, taking him in her arms and crying alongside with him when noticing the emotionless face of her son.

 

“Admiral, I believe I was clear when I said that without his katra, Spock is empty, unable to think or form memories.”

 

“Spock said my name, Spock knows who I am, Spock wouldn’t forget me.” Kirk said, repeating the name like a mantra, like a prayer.

 

He couldn’t afford to believe that it was all his imagination. He needed it, needed it to be true, needed Spock to know who he was. Otherwise... what would it mean? That he was losing his mind? That their hopes were really in vain? That his friends were right and that staying in there was harmful to him? No, one more miracle, he needed one more miracle.

 

What was he doing with his life? That wasn’t Spock, not really. He needed to accept that Spock was dead and wouldn’t return, but it was so hard when he was there in front of him. If Spock had actually said his name, what would that mean? That he was recovering? That he might one day return to being who he was? So many things went through his mind at that moment that he couldn’t even feel ashamed for crying and being hugged in front of the ambassador, who probably considered it a terrible demonstration of human weakness in controlling emotions.

 

“If you'll excuse me, Admiral, I have many important commitments to return to. In the future it would be prudent to remind my guidance on the state of Spock. If you are not able to cope with his condition, it might be prudent to leave with your colleagues back to Earth. Be sure I will intercede for all of you before the council.” With these words, Sarek turned to leave.

 

Kirk couldn’t understand how he was able to appear so cold. Years living with Spock taught him that the Vulcans aren’t immune to emotions as they claim to be, they just have more control over them and are able to suppress them better. Therefore, he couldn’t help but imagine if for a moment Sarek also had hope.

 

He pushed Amanda gently away. He had already made too much of a scene and needed to get more soup for Spock. Before he got up, he picked up the light blanket he dropped when shaking Spock and straightened it again on his shoulders. It was so hard to take care of someone who didn’t complain of hunger or cold! How should he know what he needed? Taken momentarily by an instinct, he gently hugged Spock, who remained with the body stiff and didn’t show in any way to have realized what was happening. Again Kirk felt that strange itching deep in his brain, a little stronger, perhaps, and more painful.

 

“I love you, Spock, and even if you never recover I shall always be yours,” he whispered only for his ears before getting up.

 

He collected the bowl that had fallen in the yard and was leaving the balcony when he heard Spock’s voice again.

 

“Thank you, Jim,” He said, still looking at the horizon and without showing any sign of acknowledging the presence of anyone.

 

This time, he threw the bowl and didn’t even bother with the noise of it breaking. He threw himself on the floor, kneeling beside Spock on the porch. Amanda, who was still sitting by his side, now held him between her arms, crying freely. She had also heard it; it was a relief. He wasn’t imagining it.

 

Even Sarek, who was still close enough to hear what was said, returned. Rather than embracing his child as Amanda was doing, he stepped down from the balcony so that his hands were in the same height as Spock’s head.

 

“Admiral, wife, although I understand that your emotional reactions are products of human nature and education, at this time it would be more advisable to do something that would be useful for Spock.”

 

When they walked away with a little hesitation, he raised his right hand to Spock’s melding points and closed his eyes. There was something that resembled concern in his expression. The meld was brief, and when he pulled away, he looked up at Kirk with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Fascinating.” He said just before leaving without explanation.

 

Kirk couldn’t help but smile at the word so familiar spoken by the lips of another Vulcan. Father and son had more similarities than they allowed themselves believe. Now that they were free again, Kirk and Amanda returned to near Spock, sometimes hugging, sometimes filling him with questions he didn’t seem willing to answer. Nothing had changed in his attitude outside the few words said, and that seemed to be directed at anyone. They didn’t know what was going on, but for the first time in a long time, none of the humans felt that their hopes were in vain, and both felt rewarded for their efforts.

 

Kirk didn’t even try to avoid the satisfaction of knowing that Spock had just said his name. Of all the people from his past, he recognized only his bond mate. And the fact that Spock knew who he was before even demonstrating to realize what was happening around him or what his own identity was, made Kirk realize even more the depth of a love which he hadn’t doubted for a very long time.


	13. Even if you are not yourself

The last couple of days were definitely shaken at the house of Sarek. For starters, Spock hadn’t slept since the day he called Jim’s name. He had spoken nothing else since that day, but now it was obvious that there was a consciousness inhabiting that body. When someone entered the room, he always turned his head to identify the individual, and when someone was caring for him in any way, he kept his attention solely on that person. It might seem insignificant, but it was a tremendous evolution after two months without any improvement. 

What was about to prove to Sarek that Vulcans could actually suffer from stress, however, was something else. Part of Spock’s memories seemed to have returned, but the way he acted indicated that his brain didn’t know what to do with the large flow of information that it had received in a short period of time, and the way it chose to deal with it was about to lead Sarek to absolute madness.

Using markers, pens, brushes and other materials Amanda had because she enjoyed working with real paper rather than electronic, he began writing on every available surface. Kirk still hasn’t been able to wash the trans-warp beaming formula off his arm; Sarek had to have the main living room painted to remove the complete stories of Sherlock Holmes; Uhura lost a day's work when Spock drew the molecules of every single hormone that was released during pon farr in the papers she was using to take translation notes, but the most impressive was what was on Spock’s bedroom walls. Sarek brought physicists to copy the formulas and check the results of what appeared to be a brilliant and novel solution to a chronic energy waste problem of newer Vulcan ships.

 

It was as if Spock had turned from one moment to the next from an uncommunicative autistic or perhaps a person in a catatonic state into a savant. No one could explain how it was possible, though whole teams of doctors and priests are looking for answers since that afternoon.

 

Finally, after a particularly strong migraine, when Spock started writing all of Mozart’s music in the kitchen walls, Kirk decided to seek help. Whatever was happening to his brain seemed to be connected with the moments when Spock was more lucid. None of the Vulcan doctors knew how to explain the connection, but it seemed obvious that it existed. Spock’s recovery should be connected with Kirk’s symptoms somehow, and while they didn’t know in which way, it wouldn’t be possible to rule out the possibility that Spock was damaging Kirk’s brain. He had to admit that the pains were getting stronger, as if his brain was being pulled and torn, but it seemed such a small price to pay for improving Spock’s health that he didn’t care too much about it.

 

However, the suffering that he had now was even greater than before. After the initial enthusiasm, to see Spock moving and performing various tasks, but without acting like himself was too weird. Because the Spock that had drawn diagrams of Enterprise perfectly in the sand of Amanda’s garden wasn’t exactly his Spock.


	14. Tell me I’m not crazy for believing

They were using the moment Spock finally fell asleep to discuss what had happened. In the recent days, neither of the three was able to sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. Being Vulcan, Sarek wasn’t affected by this, but Amanda and Kirk were only capable of staying awake because of the need to face the situation.

 

"Ambassador, correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn’t it be impossible for Spock to be regaining some memories if the fal-tor-pan had not worked at least partially?"

 

The question caused a long moment of reflection. "In fact, Spock's mind is not empty as would be expected. However, I have never encountered a mind that was in the state it is now. The best description I can find is that his mind is not only in the body as it should, but stretching between him and Dr. McCoy. "

 

"Then the ritual worked, but the katra is gradually being transferred?" Kirk asked.

 

"This is not an accurate description. When the transfer was attempted, Spock's mind remained completely empty. Something must have happened in that period to stimulate the beginning of the process, but none of the legends addresses this issue. At the moment, we can not know, but a Vulcan Academy team is researching this peculiarity."

 

Amanda was thoughtful, sitting away in a corner. It was like she wasn’t paying any attention to what was being said, until she decided to speak up. "It reminds me of an old poem of pre-Surak times. It was an epic romance, the story of a warrior who was wounded in the head and lost all his memories, but they were recovered with his wife help through the bond they shared."

 

Kirk blushed slightly at the suggestion. Unless the suggestion was pure coincidence, Amanda had inferred more than he imagined.

 

"A simple injury is very different from the loss of the katra. It is simpler to restore memories than it is to restore a katra. And if I remember the story correctly, the warrior regained his memories after a mind meld with his wife, and Spock has not experienced a mind meld since the meld attempt made by the priestess."

 

But the idea had already been given, and now the three were thinking about it. Could it be that the bond between two people was strong enough to not only survive death, but pull the katra from one body to another? Despite what he said, Sarek was one who believed more strongly in this theory. Kirk was a human without any telepathic ability, so he had no idea of the strength of the bond. But Sarek was in his mind, and even then was impressed with the strong presence of the link that was in the Admiral’s mind.

 

"Is there any way to test that theory?" Kirk asked.

 

Sarek thought for a moment before standing up. "I will present the hypothesis before the Vulcan Academy. Now it is recommendation that you both should rest, human bodies were not made to withstand this stress. I will inform you as soon as I receive any news. "


	15. We are almost out of time

It was the first time that Kirk was visting Bones in two months. He felt bad for having ignored his best friend for all this time, turning all his attention to Spock, but he couldn’t face the doctor without being invaded by a wave of guilt. All this happened because of him. He let Khan go free, he placed Khan on that planet, he couldn’t prevent the ship from suffering the damage that caused the problems in the core, he decided that he wouldn’t rest until they rescued Spock and he decided he would risk Bones’ life to save Spock. It was all his fault.

 

And now he had worsened the situation.

 

Amanda’s idea couldn’t be more correct. The contact with Kirk was what was causing Spock’s recovery. And to think that if he had gone as Sarek suggested it would never have occurred... But it wasn’t just his presence that made Spock recover some memories. The way that he treated him was critical, according to what the doctors just informed him. By acting normally, he made his mind struggle to reestablish the link that was violently damaged at the time of Spock’s death.

 

The problem was that the way he was "pulling" Spock’s katra to join the body was damaging Bones’ body. Even in stasis, he was dying. It was predicted that he would have just a few more days before his body collapsed completely, and there was nothing they could do to stop it. Even Kirk was at risk because the psychic activity was forcing his brain in a way that even a human brain with the necessary adaptations to the use psychic force wouldn’t be able to stand. And his level of psychic ability was even lower than the human average. 

That was what was causing his strange migraines and more recently, small seizures. According to the doctors, it was only a matter of time until the intracranial pressure become unbearable, and symptoms that were possible if the process continued included: aneurysms, seizures, strokes, hemorrhage, increased intracranial pressure, atrophy of the primary portion of the brain, lack of oxygen in the tertiary portion of the brain, cell death in the middle portion of the brain, hydrocephalus, tumor formation, mutation of neurotransmitters, melting of the hemispheres, cut of communications between the hemispheres, dementia, encephalitis, development of neurological disorders, demyelination of the central nervous system, visual agnosia, prosopagnosia, somatoparafria... he stopped paying attention after a while. He had got the idea, if he continued to call Spock through the bond, his brain wouldn’t be so good after that.

 

His time was running out, and no one seemed to know what to do to save the three.


	16. Should we risk everything again?

"What did you say?" Kirk shouted indignantly. He couldn’t believe he had just heard that suggestion. It took all his control not to punch the ambassador.

 

"I was just passing on the information provided to me by..." but Kirk didn’t let him finish.

 

"It's your son we're talking about! How can you suggest killing Spock?"

 

"If you recall, Spock died in Enterprise. Continuing the process will cause the death of two more people with no guarantee of success. The most logical course of action is to destroy the body that was generated by the Genesis process, which probably will restore both your health as well as Dr. McCoy’s."

 

He sincerely hoped that Spock wasn’t listening to this discussion. He was in the next room, drawing the geological layers of Vulcan with colored pencils that Amanda had provided for him. After all that he had to endure throughout his life, knowing that his father was suggesting giving up on him could be devastating, though even in his normal state Spock wouldn’t allow anyone to notice it.

 

"We won’t kill Spock! Bones and I risked our lives to bring Spock back, do you think we'll now give it up just because the situation got complicated? For what kind of coward do you take me?"

 

"Calm yourself, Admiral. There is no reason to raise your voice. It was just the most logical suggestion offered by the doctors responsible for the case, but there is an alternative." he said still with a calm posture, without being shaken by the cries of his son’s partner.

 

"So that's what we'll do. No matter what it is, if we can keep Spock alive that’s what we will do."

 

Sarek paused for a moment, reflecting on how he would explain the other hypothesis in a way that a human could understand. "According to what has been observed, the transfer of the katra is not what is being harmful, but the delay of it. If we could transfer what remains of the katra at once, it is possible that all involved would remain intact. However, the use of an intermediary is too dangerous. From the little time I was in contact with Spock’s mind, I realized that it would be impossible to manage the connection with another mind. The only way to complete the transfer would be through a direct connection between you and Spock. However, Spock does not currently have the ability to control the meld, you would have to attract the katra without allowing his mind to surpass yours. It is an almost impossible task, and if you fail, your body as well as Dr. McCoy’s will collapse and nothing could be done for either of you."

 

Kirk tried to pay attention to the instructions, but everything that has been absorbed was that he could save Spock and Bones. There was a real chance this time, not only the false hopes that he nurtured for more than two months. Sarek was the one giving him a saving hope, then it could only be something real.

 

"Just tell me what to do."

 

A part of his mind accused that he should feel guilty about risking Bones’ life again, this time without consent. It's true, the most logical would be to ensure two lives, but there was nothing logical in what he was feeling. He would save Spock, he would have Spock back, that was all that mattered.


	17. In the name of what we are

Spock's fingers were cold against his skin, but somehow his brain interpreted the contact as warm. He didn’t know how Sarek had managed to make Spock understand what needed to be done, but he had full confidence in both. When Spock’s came to meet his, it was unlike anything that he had ever felt before. He wasn’t able to remember the number of times that he melded his mind with Spock. Several dozen? A few hundred? But never before his mind was so chaotic, not even during pon farr. He felt consumed by Spock, and for a moment he forgot what he should do, he even forgot who he was. All that mattered was the feeling of being immersed in all that Spock was.

 

Finally, he managed to concentrate. "Spock" he called in his mind. He could think of nothing else, then concentrated in that single word. "Spock" it was all that mattered, while he was being consumed by the memories and experiences of the other. How to know if it was working? The flow of memories was so intense that he didn’t feel when he began to cry. Any distinction that existed between his mind and Spock’s had ceased to exist. They were one mind thinking together. At that moment, he knew all about Spock, and he knew Spock also knew all about him. It was different from an ordinary mind meld, there was no barriers between them. It wasn’t possible to meld in a deeper way than this. Some part of his mind that was still working felt satisfaction at the thought that the deep link that Spock had shared years ago with "James" would seem no more than a brush of minds compared to what was happening between them.

 

It was like experiencing every moment of both their lives at the same time. The experience was too intense. He wouldn’t be surprised if his brain was leaking out of his ears and nose. This is illogical, no one could be thinking with a brain liquefied. But it was this way he was feeling. He didn’t even realize that Spock was interjecting his thoughts with his, they were a single individual.

 

It was then that he felt a strong hand pushing him away from Spock. When did they get so close? In what moment they began kissing? He only realized what was happening when he felt Spock's tongue leave his mouth. They were being pushed apart, he couldn’t let that happen! He tried to fight the unseen force, he could see nothing.

 

Sarek was trying to separate the two, he had realized that the meld had been too intense. Both would be lost if he couldn’t separate their minds. Spock struggled against him, and they were both well-matched in strength. Kirk, even being human, in his desperation was struggling formidably. They didn’t seem to notice any exterior stimulus other than that they were being separated. If he could separate the minds the procedure would be a success. Venturing, he tried to reach Spock’s melding points, but failed to hold him still long enough. Then he turned to Kirk. He touched his mind superficially, just to pass a command: "sleep". Through Kirk’s mind, the order reached the two, and immediately they were sleeping. As far as he could tell, it had worked. His son was back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's more common to find in this fandom the conception that Spock and Vulcans in general are hot (well, of course Spock and several other Vulcans are hot, I mean warmer than humans). However, after quite a few great meta about speculative xenobiology, I'm convinced that they are colder than humans. So, I'm using the data from Memory-Beta and assuming their average temperature is 91º F or 32.78º C (or 305.93 K, although I don't think people use Kelvin all that much when they are not doing calculations that depend on temperature). I love how the number in Celsius has two decimals, because let's face it, that's how a Vulcan would tell their temperatures, like "I have an increase in temperature of 2.96º, elevating my core temperature to 35.74º, which is compatible with a febrile state". All that to say that Spock is cold to Kirk, but I like the idea he feels warm because of the telepathic contact the human brain can't process.


	18. You came back, but you are still lost to me

If there was a crime Kirk was often guilty of committing was that he expected too much. When Sarek informed him that Spock’s katra had returned and that Bones’ vital signs were improving and he was expected to wake up at any moment, he imagined that all would be well. But that wasn’t exactly true. Even with his katra back, it was like Spock's brain didn’t know how to process all the information it was receiving. Objective memories seemed to have returned, but any mention of feelings had been suppressed. It was in many ways similar to that Spock that returned to the Enterprise before meeting V'ger.

 

It was so painful to see Spock. He was interacting normally with people, but treated everyone with distance. Uhura, Scotty, Chekov and Sulu all had tried talking to him several times, only to realize that he didn’t treat them as friends. He would discuss the translations of documents Uhura made, a new theory that Scotty had on the warp core, the star that recently turned nova and destroyed an entire system or the dangers of the s'gagerat that still existed in The Forge, but in a detached way. And he never again called him Jim.

 

Sarek assured him that it would take some time for the katra to settle satisfactorily, but it was still a shock, because it was so different of the way he was living before. This was Spock, just not the same Spock who sacrificed himself in the Enterprise’s core.

 

After spending his whole life fighting against his human side, and finally beginning to accept it, Spock had lost all the progress made in the last decade. It hurt to see him in that way. In a way, it was like he carrying the emotional burden for both. It was hard to wake up without Spock in his head after the meld they shared, or yet, with the presence of Spock being just a gentle caress on his mind. With some embarrassment, he remembered that he asked Sarek "Why would you separate us, Father?", realizing that he had him called father. He explained that it was a common consequence of such deep mind meld, the mistaken identities. And he felt like he was carrying a lot of Spock with him. It was different from the presence of link he felt. It was more intense and seemed to work with his own mind.

 

Now, Sarek had recommended that they spent more time apart. It was so hard, after more than two months spending almost all waking hours together, now being reprimanded for having a conversation longer than a few minutes. He didn’t know how long he would be able to bear it. Of course there was a motivation behind Sarek’s reasoning, but logic did nothing to make his suffering less intense.

 

He needed to do something, to decide what to do with his life. Now the situation had changed. Spock would probably want to get back to work after recovering, and Kirk couldn’t ask him to remain on Vulcan. Still, the fact that the mission was a success didn’t change his status as a wanted criminal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S'gagerat is a plant native to the Vulcan desert The Forge. It has large tentacles to trap its victims and releases soporiferous toxins to keep the victim immobilized, if the victim escapes the tentacles are able to search for it. Seldom the victim survives, and the plant is known for killing Vulcans and even large animals like the sehlat.


	19. Now I know you are safe

Sarek determined that Spock would redo his training. Kirk felt offended at not being consulted, but even more offended because Spock wasn’t consulted. It didn’t seem fair that he didn’t have the right of self-determination, even if he wasn’t in his perfect state of mind. However, there was nothing he could do about it. He was sure that Sarek wanted the best for his son, even if he was acting in his own Vulcan emotionally constipated way.

 

As he was forbidden to meet with Spock during this training, he didn’t know what to do with his free time. He hadn’t had free time from what seemed like years, and felt lost. Free time indulged his mind in unwanted thoughts easily, and he wasn’t able to handle it. He was almost deciding that surrendering to the Federation wouldn’t be so bad. Damn, if he continued so bored for any longer, even surrendering to the Klingons would begin to seem like a good idea.

 

He heard a soft knock on the door he had learned to recognize in recent months, it was Amanda. "Come in" he said as he sat on the bed.

 

"Jim, I'm sorry for how Sarek excluded you from Spock's recovery. My husband is a brilliant diplomat, but sometimes he can be a bit... I guess you know what I mean, Spock is in many ways similar to his father."

 

She was smiling, and her voice was cheerful and gentle again. In recent days, the weight of recent months has been lifted from her shoulders and she felt light again. Kirk couldn’t forget that the return of Spock was also a miracle for her. He had lost a piece of his own soul, but she had lost her only son. He couldn’t say what suffering was greater. No parent should bury their child, but he was certain that Spock's death affected him far more than David’s death. Still, he met his son for only a few weeks, and hardly spent any time with him, while Amanda had already proved that she was a devoted mother. Spock could have picked much from his father, but it was Amanda’s touch that he saw more.

 

"It’s alright, I understand why he's doing it. What happened was scary, it was like I ceased to exist. I understand why he thinks we need space."

 

He blushed slightly when he realized that Amanda had seen him and Spock kissing in desperation, as if they needed the contact to live. But she graciously said nothing about it.

 

"Sarek wants Spock to become the perfect Vulcan again, but don’t think he despises the humanity in him. And don’t worry, I will ensure that Spock remember exactly how human he is. Vulcans can be very stubborn, and Spock’s biggest tantrum was ignoring his human side, but there is something of me in him and I know I can reach it."

 

Kirk smiled. "There's a lot of you in him as well, although it took me too long to figure it out."


	20. It’s time to face the consequences

Finally, Kirk decided he should return to Earth. There was nothing he could do for Spock here, and his more responsible side informed him that he must accept the consequences of his actions. Scotty had finally completed repairs on the Klingon ship, although it still looked like it would fall apart when coming out of orbit. But if Scotty said she could get them to Earth, he would take his word.

 

His friends received the news with enthusiasm, even Bones, who was recently released from the hospital. Spending months in a coma did nothing for his mood, he still was a grumpy old country doctor. In a way, Bones was the one who could vaguely understand how he was missing Spock. After all, he spent months with the other's mind melding with his. None of them wanted to leave Spock behind now that it seemed obvious that he would soon recover, but being practical, aboard a stolen ship filled with criminals wasn’t the best way to return to Earth.

 

None of them had discussed what would happen when they returned. They knew they would face court martial, but didn’t want to think about the possible punishments. In the situation they were in, just doing something crazy like saving the Earth (again) could save them from the sanctions. What a pity that no super powerful entity was about to attack the planet, at least as far as they knew. This would be a good opportunity to get them rid of the problems.

 

Anyway, the day of the departure had arrived. And they weren’t even allowed to say goodbye to Spock. The training that Sarek imposed to Spock was rigid and didn’t provide a break to give a final goodbye to friends for what could be a long time. Or even forever if Scotty had made some wrong calculations and the ship burned in the atmosphere, but Scotty wouldn’t make a mistake. Well, not too big of a mistake.


	21. But you’ll always come back to me

Kirk was ready to take off when he was surprised by an unexpected presence.

 

"Admiral, permission to come aboard." said Spock. It wasn’t as good as calling him Jim, but it was good enough.

 

He nearly jumped out of his chair to reach him, as he had done when he returned to the Enterprise for the first time after the five year mission. "Spock!" he cried almost without believing it, "I thought Sarek had said that your training would still take long, and that you wouldn’t be able to come say goodbye.".

 

"I am not here to say goodbye. I will return to Earth with you."

 

This surprised him even more, but he was afraid to question him and push him away. If Spock wanted to go with them, Kirk would be the last person to complain. It was a wish coming true.

 

"Well, this is unexpected." Bones said in a sarcastic tone while rolling his eyes.

 

Finally, because the curiosity was greater than common sense, Kirk decided to ask "Why?".

 

Spock paused for a long moment before responding thoughtfully. "I was asked a question I could not answer, and I do not think you can find the answer on Vulcan." he said thinking about the enigmatic way in which his mother kept asking how he felt. It was the second time he came to the conclusion that his answers laid elsewhere, he was again tracing the same path of discovery.

 

Kirk smiled. He didn’t know exactly what the question was, but it didn’t matter. He could feel that it was something related to Spock’s humanity and rejoiced to hear it. This might not be his Spock, but he was becoming him. And of one thing he could be sure, in the midst of all the doubts of the universe: Spock would always return to him. And not even death could keep them apart.


	22. So there’s always hope in the end

In the captain's chair, he couldn’t help but noticing Spock. He had got his miracle. The only thing that prevented him from spending the entire trip with Spock in his lap, or perhaps himself in Spock's lap as his muscles were tired, it was the fact that he knew he wasn’t ready for it. Spock needed more time to recover, to get back to being the person he was before. And he would give Spock all the time in the world.

 

He and Bones continued to gently provoke Spock, and he couldn’t help but wondering if the other knew it was nothing more than a sign of affection. It might not seem that way, but the friendly teasing had always been their way to show Spock that he was accepted into the group as one of them.

 

How much he wanted to be able to pull Spock close right now! Press him against his chest and make him promise that he would never leave. He didn’t want to imagine what would happen when they got to Earth. Spock was innocent, and was even dead at the time of most of their transgressions. 

He would certainly be released, while the others would suffer whatever punishment the Admiralty deemed appropriate. Even being inappropriate, he found himself wondering that it would be nice to have another adventure before they reached Earth. Something like an unknown entity wanting to eliminate human life, and that they could defeat it together for old times’ sake. 

This would help in the trial, even more than Sarek’s interference, who had warned them by subspace communication that he would go to Earth for the trial before they even left Vulcan’s system. That was what he was thinking about just before approaching Earth, and it was then that everyone realized that something was wrong with the planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear this had 15017 words when I used Word's word count. And now I realize I was counting the chapter names as words because it was a single file. Well, it's close enough, right? I really hope it is, because it's too late to change it now.
> 
> This was my first Big Bang and I had lots of fun. Also, lots of stress, but I guess it had more to do with that massive uni paper and my finals.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like reading this as much as I loved writing, and that you please forgive me for making Kirk suffer like that, after all, I gave him a happy ending, right?
> 
> This may get a sequel, or I may write a post-The Voyage Home fanfic, but don't hold your breath, that could take some time since I have 22 other stories and 3 series on my "to write" list. But many of those are K/S so win/win, right?


End file.
